Perfectionism is an enemy. This is how to defeat it.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the tendency to set excessively high standards for oneself and strive for flawless performance or outcomes in countless aspects of life. The most common examples are seen in areas like work, academics, appearance, or relationships. It often involves critical self-evaluation, an unbearable fear of making mistakes, and an intense desire to meet one’s own—or others’—unrealistically high expectations.
Perfectionists often feel immense pressure to avoid failure and may be overly self-critical when they do not meet their standards. While some degree of perfectionism can be motivating and lead to high achievement, it can also cause stress, anxiety, and frustration when impossible standards are not met. This can interfere with overall well-being.
Perfectionism, especially when extreme or maladaptive, is not just about achieving high standards—it’s an inescapable pattern of thinking and behaving that can contribute to or exacerbate a range of mental health issues. Recognizing perfectionistic tendencies and seeking help if they lead to distress or impair functioning is crucial. Therapy (such as cognitive-behavioral therapy or acceptance and commitment therapy), mindfulness practices, and self-compassion training can help individuals manage perfectionism in healthier ways.
In their 1991 paper, psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gorden Flett identified three central forms of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic and far-reaching goals and expectations for oneself. While this may provide motivation and pressure, it often leads to an unhealthy obsession with these standards, resulting in excessive self-criticism and harm. This can contribute to mental disorders that impact overall well-being.
- Other-oriented Perfectionism: Holding unrealistic expectations for others, being critical when they fail to meet those standards, and causing frustration in relationships. This can result in daily social difficulties and hinder social skills.
- Socially-prescribed Perfectionism: Believing that others hold unattainable expectations for you and fearing the consequences of failing to meet them. Most perfectionists convince themselves of these external pressures through overthinking and false assumptions about others’ expectations.
These tendencies often lead to harmful self-criticism, strained relationships, social difficulties, and heightened anxiety, contributing to mental health issues. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is essential for promoting healthier self-esteem, interpersonal connections, and emotional resilience.
What Causes Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is shaped by a combination of genetic, environmental, cognitive, and psychological factors. Both nature and nurture play a role, as perfectionism can stem from early life experiences, societal pressures, and innate personality traits. Understanding the underlying causes can help individuals recognize and address these tendencies before they lead to harmful outcomes.
Primary Causes of Perfectionism:
Social Media:
Modern perfectionism, especially among youth, is fueled by the pervasive influence of social media. Research shows that 95% of teens aged 13-17 use social media, 75% have at least one active profile, and 51% visit social platforms daily.
- Comparison: Social media often showcases curated highlights of people’s lives, creating unrealistic beauty and success standards. This leads users to compare themselves unfavorably.
- Validation/Approval: The pursuit of likes and comments as measures of worth encourages users to present only the most polished versions of themselves, perpetuating perfectionistic behaviors.
Childhood Experiences & Parenting Style:
- Conditional Love: Children who receive affection or approval only when they meet certain standards may develop perfectionistic tendencies, believing love is contingent on success.
- Parental Modeling: Observing perfectionistic behaviors in parents or caregivers can lead children to adopt similar patterns.
Cognitive & Psychological Factors:
- All-or-Nothing Mindset: Perfectionists often engage in black-and-white thinking, viewing anything less than perfect as failure, leading to persistent dissatisfaction and self-criticism.
- Low Self-Esteem: Many perfectionists tie their self-worth to external achievements, feeling unworthy or inadequate when they fall short of their standards.
Perfectionism rises from a mix of genetic predisposition, upbringing, cognitive patterns, and societal pressures. It can develop as a response to early life experiences, trauma, or expectations from others, and it often serves as a coping mechanism for managing anxiety or low self-esteem.
Identifying perfectionism in your life is crucial for several reasons, especially because perfectionism, when taken to extremes, can have a significant impact on both your mental health and overall well-being. Recognizing perfectionistic tendencies can help you address them before they cause serious distress, burnout, or emotional issues.
Main traits and symptoms of perfectionism:
1. You are a perfectionist in every area
– Though desiring perfection in your profession is quite common and can play as a motivation to exercise your skills, it is abnormal to utilize this pressure in every aspect of life. For example, unless you are a professional chef, you should not be too upset or obsessing over an overcooked pasta or a cake that does not look as fancy and amazing in the cook books and videos.
2. You are an all or nothing person
– How do you feel when you place second place instead of first in a competition or receive a 94 instead of a 100 on a test? If you still torture yourself or feel overly unsatisfied with these results, you lack the ability to take pride in your success and the ability to strive for
realistic and practical success.
3. You always crave approval and validation
– For many perfectionists, self-worth is closely tied to external validation from other people. You might believe that you can only feel accepted or valued when you meet high standards, either set by yourself or by others. If you don’t receive positive feedback or recognition, you might feel like you’re not good enough.
4. You are highly critical of others
– You bring other people down and tear them down to elevate yourself and make yourself
feel better in order to cope the stress you receive from the constant criticism you receive
from the voices in your head telling you you are not enough.
How to solve Perfectionism?
Overcoming perfectionism is a gradual process that includes self-awareness, self-compassion, and a shift in mindset. It's not about abandoning high standards altogether, but about learning to manage and maintain them in a healthier way.
Challenge Unrealistic Standards
● Set realistic goals: Perfectionism often stems from setting impossibly high standards. Practice setting goals that are achievable and realistic, keeping in mind that mistakes are part of the learning process. ● Focus on progress, not perfection: Shift your focus from striving for flawless outcomes to valuing effort, improvement, and learning. Celebrate small successes and incremental progress rather than expecting everything to be perfect.
Set Boundaries and Let Go of Control
● Delegate and trust others: Perfectionists often feel the need to control everything. Practice letting go by delegating tasks to others and trusting that they will do their best. Recognize that others don’t need to meet your exact standards to contribute meaningfully.
Seek Support and Therapy
● Talk to a therapist or counselor: If your perfectionism is causing significant distress, seeking professional help can be incredibly beneficial. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), in particular, is effective in helping individuals challenge perfectionistic thoughts and behaviors.
Accept “Good Enough”
● Practice embracing “good enough”: A key step in overcoming perfectionism is learning to accept that sometimes “good enough” is sufficient. You don’t need to give 110% all the time, and you don’t need everything to be flawless. Allow yourself to do just enough and recognize that perfection is often an unrealistic and unnecessary pursuit.
<Student Reporter Julie Kim>julierosekim0721@gmail.com
Julie Kim is a Sophomore Student in EF Academy Pasadena
